“How To Slay Monsters” A Flash(ish) Fiction by Andy Rashleigh

How to Slay Monsters
A Guide On How To Kill The Grimiest, Nastiest Monsters Imaginable

Howdy, amateur monster hunters!

I, Stroff the Grueling, have created a guide on how to kill the beasts that plague our lands.
During my days as an adventurer, I have had many encounters with dreaded monsters. Over the years I have lost six teeth, three fingers (the missus doesn’t like that I lost my wedding ring), five toes, and one stone (the missus also doesn’t like that) to monsters. And yet it is I who still draws breath! If it wasn’t already obvious, I am an expert at slaying monsters, and the advice I am giving to you is unparalleled. Monsters may seem like they’re invincible, but they still bleed, they still die. You youngins just need to know how to do it!

Vampires

I suspect many of you are rolling your eyes right about now. You’re probably thinking
“Come on, Stroff. Everybody knows how to kill a vampire!” I don’t disagree, it seems like
everybody knows how to fell a vampire. I wonder why that is? Somebody must’ve really hated vampires and decided to share their weaknesses with the world. Their bride probably left them for one. Vampires are handsome devils, I’ll give them that much. Everyone knows that staking a vampire through the heart and chopping its head off will kill it, but that’s easier said than done. One mistake adventures make: assuming they can overpower the vampire. Don’t matter if the vampire looks like a twelve-year old girl who hasn’t eaten in a week. They can outwrestle bears and snap your stake in two. Any adventurer who thinks they can just waltz up and stake a vampire is just a dimwitted beverage for the thirsty beast.

This brings up my first rule: always be prepared. Vampires have multiple weaknesses.
Use them! If you wish to kill a vampire, bring a clove of garlic. The batheads hate the stuff;
overwhelms their senses. Only once a vampire has been stunned by garlic can you waltz up to it with your stake or head chopper and kill them. Another weakness of theirs is water, particularly running water. Being on the other side of a river is usually enough to keep the buggers at bay, but if you really need to kill one, you can always try to drown it. Vampires are terrible swimmers, it’s like watching a drunk cat trapped in a suit of armor try and swim. The best way to trick a vampire into drowning is to use garlic while it attempts to cross a river in its bat form. They tend to revert back to their true form once they catch a wiff. Garlic is a useful tool, for it serves as both a tool of vampire slaying and an additional food source in case you go hungry. Eating garlic also tends to keep the batheads at bay, makes your blood poisonous to them. Unfortunately, it also keeps away women, but such is life.

Ghosts

Ghosts are always tricky to deal with. You can’t touch them but they can touch you. Not very fair, isn’t it? Ghosts can also possess both objects and people, making them even more of a nuance than your usual evil creature. If you need to prevent yourself from getting possessed or your friend is possessed by one, start burning incense. Ghosts stay clear of incense like it’s the plague. Eating it will prevent a ghost from touching you, though you may need to wash it down with mead. Ringing a silver bell also works, the sound agitates the spirit. Ghosts also don’t seem to like fire, so make sure you bring a torch while ghost-hunting. However, none of these actually put a spirit to rest. You’ll need salt and iron for that. The best way to slay a ghost is to coat an iron weapon in salt. A well placed thrust from a salt-covered sword or spear will do the trick. Wonder where they go afterwards? Eh, guess I’ll learn later.

Giants

First off, giants all operate the same way. Ogres, cyclopes, they all fall the same way, no need to separate them. Giants might seem tough to kill, given their massive size and strength, but a skilled warrior can chop them up, no problem. The obvious problem with giants is that their vitals are hard to reach, unlike us wee folk. They also have thick skin, making them hard to damage with everyday weapons. Think of giants as trees. They’re big and tough, but you can chop them down with a bit of hard work. The best way to take a giant down if in close range is to target their legs. Giants are heavy and a good hit to the hamstring or knee cap will cause them to crumble. Then you can reach their torso and head. Polearms are ideal when facing giants, for they skip the whole choppin at the legs bit, and can just gut them. They also lower your chances of being squished by the giant’s fat backside as you cut their legs out from under them. You are not a coward for using a spear, you are being smart. Between a giant’s legs is the last place you want to be. Trust me, I know. If you have a bow, just use that. Giants like being shot in the eyes and throat as much as we do. However, not every adventurer needs to kill a giant through weapons craft alone. Giants are stupid and prideful. Use that to your advantage. Trick them into doing things that’ll get them killed. Tell it that you bet they are too yellow-bellied to jump off a cliff, or swim across the sea. Works every time.

Hydras

Hydras are fearsome beasts, with eight hungry heads all trying their best to turn you into supper. Even if you cut off their heads, two more just grow back and take its place. Their blood is also extremely venomous. It’ll burn the skin just by touching it and if it gets into your blood, all that awaits is an agonizing end. Simple solution to this actually: DON”T CHOP THEIR HEADS OFF! It’s the easiest solution in the world! Why does everyone insist on killing them this way? Why would you want to deal with even more teeth? This goes for stabbing their necks and crushing their heads too. If a head dies, a hydra just regrows it, even if the head isn’t rolling. 

However… If you must chop off the head of a hydra, burn the stump before it begins to regenerate. They can’t grow them back afterwards. You need to do this to all eight heads. A hydra can survive with just one head remaining. Of course, stabbing it in the heart also works, given that they can’t regenerate that. The problem with that plan is that you need to get past those eight hungry heads first. Unlike giants, hydras keep their vital organs low to the ground, making them hard to hit. Their long necks also keep foolish warriors at bay, even those with spears and pole axes. Burning them is better. However, like giants, there is an easier way. Hydras are extremely gluttonous. Complete pigs, the lot of them. I have found a warhammer, a spiked pauldron, and my second cousin’s boots inside a hydra’s stomach. If you were to poison some meat, or anything, really, and leave it near a hydra’s lair, it’s gettin eaten. While hydras can stomach most things, a strong poison can do them in, or at least weaken them and make it easier to set them ablaze. 

Dragons

Dragons are one of the hardest creatures to slay. Even in my fifty-eight winters, I have only managed to slay two dragons, and I had help from fellow warriors. Forget taking on a dragon single handedly, barring a lance and dashing off to rescue some fair maiden. Dragons are no fairy tales. They’ll turn you and your lance to butter before you can get within fifty paces of them. No, no, there’s no surviving a fight with a dragon in the traditional sense. Their claws are sharper than swords and scales sturdier than shields. The underbelly is softer, but is still hard to penetrate. Even if you were to pierce its underbelly, it’s unlikely you’ll hit anything important, given how big they are. While gluttonous like hydras, they are too smart to just eat anything they come across. However, with brains comes ego. Dragons are full of themselves, think they’re better than everyone else. A part of me can’t blame them. If I could fly and breathe fire, I’d claim I’m king of the world. What I’m trying to say is that pride is their downfall. A dragon is hard to fool, but flattery and deep discussion can keep a dragon from eating you. A dragon who feels as though its honor is threatened will insist on reclaiming it. Unlike giants, though, you cannot just convince a dragon to do anything. It needs to be something personal and not be obviously suicidal. Perhaps you convince one dragon to fight another and you pick off the wounded survivor. Dragons are territorial and will not need much convincing to kill a rival.

Another weakness are the wings. While dragon wings are tough, they are nowhere near as hard to pierce as the rest of its body. Damaging the wings, especially while it’s flying, can be a big advantage. Even dragons obey gravity. If you are able, try pinning its wings down with boulders or other heavy objects. I helped kill a dragon this way twenty-three winters ago, in the Northern Valley. Firing arrows in a dragon’s open maw or eyes works too. They lack the armor-like scales on the rest of its body. If you are going to kill a dragon, use your friends. They’re one of the best tools a warrior can have.

My Final Notes

And there you go. My tips on slaying monsters. Remember, these tips do not mean you’ll win every time, for being told how to slay a monster and actually slaying a monster are two different things. However, I do hope that what you read here will keep you alive. Many monster hunters do not live as long as I have. I have lost too many friends and body parts to these vile creatures and I’d rather if some foolish braveheart didn’t get themselves killed because they read this. Monsters are scary and it’s okay to be scared, but I need everyone to know that they can be slain, their lives still expire like old cheese. And that, young warriors, ends my tale. Happy hunting!

About The Author: Andrew Rashleigh is currently an undergraduate student at Lindenwood who is majoring in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing. He is a member of Lindenwood’s Creative Writing Club and has taken classes such as Advanced Creative Writing, World Building, and Getting Published – Tips for Writers. His favorite genre to write in is fantasy, but he also writes creative nonfiction, realistic fiction, and humorous work as well. When not writing, he enjoys reading, playing video games, and watching movies, always assessing what makes them good, wondering how he can apply those good qualities to his own writing. 

You can read our interview with Andrew here.